REVIEW::: Big Flats Lager

What did I do to deserve this?

That's the first thought that went through my mind when I took my second swig of this gem.  Spilt Beverage presents Big Flats, a light lager.  All the signs were there.  I should have trusted my instincts.  This one had it written in neon on a billboard (not literally, but it might as well have).

First of all, let me say that this beer is exclusive to Walgreens.  Yes.  Walgreens.  A pharmacy chain store has their own beer.  That's bad sign number one.  Bad sign number two is that they don't even keep this in the cooler.  No, they keep it out in the aisle right next to the 12 packs of soda and premade margarita mixes.  Bad sign number three is that it was $3.  Big Flats is $3 a sixer.  I'm dead serious.  That's three strikes.  Off-brand, poorly stored, and cheap.  So, why did I pick it up?  BECAUSE IT WAS $3.  How can you pass that up?  I knew it was probably going to be bad, but it was just too cheap not to take a shot.  Take this as strike number four, but it uses the word premium twice on the can, like they are trying to convince you.  Trust me, nothing in the world is "premium" with a $3 price tag. 

It also states at the bottom of the can:

"It's the water that makes it."

Well wherever this water came from, remind me never to go there.  I'm sure their showers smell of sulfur and rotten eggs.  The can also reminds you that Big Flats has been around since 1901.  That means that alcoholics, amateur beer reviewers, and college kids have been keeping this treasure in production for over a hundred years.  Let me be the first to sign the petition for this to stop.

I am never one to leave a beer unfinished.  Backwash, warm, it doesn't matter.  I'll finish it.  Not Big Flats.  Nothing good could ever come from finishing this can.  I don't like beer from a can in the first place, but this is a crime.  No buzz could be achieved.  No flavour to be had.  Only misery, sorrow, and -$3. 

So, enough trashing.  Let's get to the specifics.  Remember those commercials a few years ago?  BITTER BEER FACE.  Big Flats is the epitome of bitter beer face.  No hints of any flavour other than the initial bitterness.  I find it also very strange that there doesn't seem to be alot of carbonation, which makes it seem very flat.  Big FLATS.  Get it?  Yeah, I didn't mean to do that.  It's just the way the cards feel.  I can also testify that Big Flats isn't very big at all.  It's pretty weak.

Let's get it over with.  Should I drink Big Flats lager?  I believe it gets a resounding

NO.

Thanks for reading everyone.  I'll try to crank out reviews a little quicker next time.  Now back to watching this Kentucky game.  :(

.....

On second thought, maybe I should finish this Big Flats.